I have never been one to make a new year resolution. Oh sure, the eat better and exercise thing enters my mind after all the goodies from the holidays! But no one thing has ever stuck out in my mind to make it important enough to be a resolution.
This year I feel different. I am looking at this new year as I have never looked at a new year before. I'm pretty sure I know why. This is a milestone year for me. I will turn 40 in April. 40. This bothers me.
Not because I think 40 is old. I may joke with my kids that I used a chisel and stone tablet when I went to school, because to them I am old (LOL!).... But when you're 90, 40 isn't old - it's young.
40 bothers me because, for all intents and purposes, my life is just about half over if I live to be in my 80's. And what have I done with my life? What do I want to be when I grow up? There are things I wish I would have done. And absolutely there are some things I would not change. I love my husband and my kids and that I would never change. But me, on a personal level. That's what I'm talking about.
I'm not a go-getter. I never have been. I look back at my life and wonder how it would be different if I would have had the --- what? --- courage? ----to do things differently. Fear is this lurking thing that lives in me and I am soooo tired of it. There have been times when opportunities were in front of me and I shrank away from them. There is a quote that I found not long ago and it really jumps out at me. It says
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." Marianne Williamson
I want to do something with my God-given talent. I have a degree in graphic design. I am an artist. I am creative. And I feel like I am wasting that talent. Where would I be now if I would have gone to more interviews when I graduated from college? Where would I be now if I would have had more self confidence? If I wouldn't have just *settled* to work in my high school and college job at a family business because then no risk was involved. I can't go back. But I can go forward.
Ali Edwards has her new word for 2008 up on her blog and she inspired me to come up with a word for myself this year. I knew I wanted it to be an action word. I WANT TO DO SOMETHING. So, I Googled a verb list and out of 600+ words I found one that I want to use as my word for this year.
My word is: Cause. The starting of effects into motion.
I am not sure what 2008 has in store for me. But I do know that I don't want to be afraid of my light anymore. Opportunities - if you're out there - present yourself. :-)